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TEN COMMON SENSE TIPS FOR:
Mediating your divorce
Dealing with the Children while mediating your
divorce
Keeping your sanity while
mediating your divorce
TEN COMMON
SENSE TIPS FOR MEDIATING YOUR DIVORCE
By David C. Barry, Esq.
www.smarterdivorce.com
Whether you have already decided to pursue divorce mediation or simply
wish to learn more about it, it makes sense to understand how you can
make the process more successful for both you and your spouse. At
Divorce Mediation of New Jersey, LLC (Divorce Mediation of New Jersey), our training and experience
in mediating divorces has helped us identify practical, common sense
steps that will help you and your spouse achieve a successful mediation,
whether you mediate with us or elsewhere:
1. Take Ownership of Your Divorce: This means that you and your spouse
will resist the temptation of taking the “easy” (but often very costly,
lengthy and emotionally destructive) path by turning over your divorce
to dueling lawyers and a judge. It means that you and your spouse will
choose – for the sake of your children, the financial assets you’ve
worked hard to acquire, and your respect for yourself and each other –
to address the necessary issues together, with the help of an
experienced mediator.
At Divorce Mediation of New Jersey, we help guide you on that journey. We work hard to understand
your needs and priorities, and then work with you to create a
custom-tailored divorce agreement that reflects them. It is a divorce
process that you control.
2. Find Common Ground: Think about and talk with each other about what
your goals are, both with respect to the divorce and life after divorce.
You will likely find many shared goals, such as taking care of the
children, communicating with each other in a civil manner and respecting
each other’s privacy. Ending your marriage does not have to mean ending
your friendship or preclude building a new, different kind of
relationship. This simple step will help maximize good will and minimize
fear and suspicion. It will also help your mediated divorce move towards
finalization more quickly and with less cost.
3. Develop a Clear Parenting Plan: The two of you may be getting
divorced, but you will still have a relationship with each other as
parents of your children. How do you want that relationship to work?
Will it be one in which the children are pawns and forced to choose one
parent over another? Will it be one in which the children are allowed to
“play” one parent off the other? We believe the better path to be one in
which Mom and Dad have cooperatively designed a parenting plan and have
agreed upon how decisions regarding their childrens’ health, education,
religious upbringing and other needs will be addressed.
At Divorce Mediation of New Jersey, we’re parents too! We understand not just the theory, but the
reality of parenting children in today’s world. We know what it is like
to balance the demands of work and parenting. We know what sneakers
cost, summer camp costs and college costs. We use this real world
perspective to help you identify the needs of your children and how to
develop a parenting plan that works well for both of you.
4. Identify and Think About Your Assets: Divorce involves the
distribution of a couple’s assets. You should create, together if
possible, as detailed a list as possible of your property. Property
includes everything each of you owns – real estate, bank accounts,
stocks, bonds, pensions, insurance, automobiles, personal belongings,
etc. Identify those that are owned jointly and those owned separately.
Ideally, you will come to mediation with some sense of how these assets
should be divided between you.
When you become a Divorce Mediation of New Jersey client, we provide you with worksheets that help
make the task of identifying your assets and liabilities easier. We use
this as a springboard to help you think creatively about how to divide
them.
5. Identify and Think About Your Liabilities: Liabilities also get
distributed in divorce. Make a list of all the debts you owe, both
individually and jointly. For most couples, this includes various credit
card bills, mortgages, insurance payments and car payments, to name a
few. Ideally, you will come to mediation of how these too should be
divided between you.
6. Create an Accurate Household Budget: A household budget is something
all of us should have under any circumstances, but most of us don’t.
When contemplating a divorce, it is essential. First, on the left side
of a sheet of paper, create a list of the income that comes into the
household. Income is money received, regardless of the source. It
typically comes in the form of paychecks, but sometimes in the form of
investments, dividends, retirement benefits, etc. Recent tax returns,
college financial aid applications and pay stubs can be helpful sources
of this information. Next, on the right side of the sheet, write down
where the money goes each month. These typically include regular monthly
expenses (mortgage/rent, utilities, food, insurance payments, car
payments, credit card payments, etc.) and periodic expenses (clothing,
medical costs, dental bills, home repair costs). You have just created a
snapshot of where you are now from a budget standpoint.
Divorce Mediation of New Jersey clients receive a household budget worksheet to help make this
process easier. The information on it helps us help you gain insight
into the financial issues that will need to be addressed in the divorce.
7. Think Realistically About the Post Divorce Lifestyle Each of You Can
Afford: It takes more money to run two households than it does one. As
such, income needs to increase or household costs need to be decreased,
or a combination of the two needs to take place. This is easy to say,
but often hard to do. Using the household budget discussed above, think
about the financial needs and resources that will be available to meet
those needs. For most couples, the question of how will the bills get
paid is the most challenging one.
We sometimes come to the conclusion, after reviewing the financial
information provided and speaking our clients, that they would be
greatly benefited by speaking with another professional – a financial
planner, CPA, valuation expert, etc. Divorce Mediation of New Jersey maintains a list of “mediation
friendly” experts who will work with our clients, at reasonable cost, to
provide the insight that is needed.
8. Identify Pre-Divorce Ground Rules: The two of you created and lived
by certain rules, spoken or unspoken, while you were married (e.g., no
company on weeknights, the rent gets paid before we spend money on
entertainment, etc.) You did so because they were essential to having a
relationship that worked. Divorcing couples likewise need to agree upon
rules to help them have a relationship that works while they are in the
process of divorcing. Often these have to do with relationships with the
children (discussing or not discussing the divorce in front of them, not
talking badly about the other in front of them, etc.), domestic
arrangements (will you stay in the same house? Who sleeps where?), and
financial matters (Joint agreement on purchases or expenditures over a
certain limit, how to pay for the mediator, investment decisions, etc.).
Once you’ve identified the “ground rules” you think are important,
discuss them with you’re spouse.
At Divorce Mediation of New Jersey, we can help you identify, discuss and reach agreement on the
ground rules that each of you feels is important to govern your
pre-divorce life. For many couples, such agreement removes a great deal
of the stress and anxiety from the process and helps life work much
better for all concerned.
9. Be Good to Yourself: Divorce is one of life’s most stressful events.
It takes its toll on us in various ways, including our mental well-being
and our physical health. Be aware of this. Make efforts to eat properly,
sleep well and exercise regularly. Don’t fall into the trap of
withdrawal from family and friends, depression or substance abuse. Try
to retain your sense of humor. Choose to see the glass as half-full.
Consider whether you might benefit from counseling.
At Divorce Mediation of New Jersey, we encourage our clients to consider and seek out appropriate
counseling either for themselves or their children during the divorce
process. If requested, we can provide the names of local, well-qualified
counselors or other appropriate resources.
10. Be Good to Each Other: How we treat our spouse usually has a direct
bearing on how they will treat us. This principal works during marriage
and during divorce. Resist the temptation to treat each other badly.
Instead, choose at the outset to be civil, generous, and respectful
towards each other. This pays enormous dividends for each of you when it
comes time to reach agreement on the terms of your divorce.
At Divorce Mediation of New Jersey, we caution our clients to resist the “Greek Chorus” of often
well- intentioned friends, co-workers and relatives who will advise you
to “go for the jugular” and “get a real shark for a lawyer.” They don’t
know you, they don’t know you’re situation, and usually, they just don’t
know what they’re talking about. Instead, we challenge our clients to
believe in and trust in their own basic decency and fairness and that of
their spouse. Based on our experience with helping couples mediate their
divorce, we truly believe it is the better way.
This and other helpful information relating to divorce mediation may be
found at www.smarterdivorce.com, home of Divorce Mediation of New
Jersey, LLC.
Copyright © 2005 David C. Barry. All rights reserved.
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TEN COMMON
SENSE TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE CHILDREN WHILE MEDIATING YOUR DIVORCE
by David C. Barry, Esq.
www.smarterdivorce.com
1. Remember That It’s Your Mediation, Not Theirs: Just like you didn’t
share every up and down in your marriage with your children, you don’t
need to share every twist and turn of your divorce mediation with them.
Of course, the children should be advised, in age-appropriate terms, of
the changes that will directly impact them. Above all, they should know
that Mom and Dad will always love them and will always take care of
them.
2. Don’t Criticize Each Other In Front Of The Children: Children deserve
the opportunity to have strong, positive relationships with each of
their parents. Criticizing your spouse in front of them will only cause
them needless confusion and anxiety. Ultimately, that hurts the children
as well as their relationships.
3. Don’t Use The Children As Messengers: Sure, they are convenient,
often effective and often very willing means by which to transfer
information to your spouse without having to face them. Resist this
urge! If you have difficulty communicating with your spouse, use your
mediator, your lawyer or your therapist – not your children. Remember,
they are the product of the love you once had for one another. They
should not be made into messengers or pawns.
4. You Are Still A Family: It is very easy for children, especially
young ones, to believe that their parents’ divorce means that they are
no longer part of a family. You need to reassure them that this is not
the case. They need to understand that although Mom and Dad may not be
married to one another, they are and always will be part of a family,
and that Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad. They need to
understand that the details have changed, but the love, caring and
commitment remain the same.
5. They Didn’t Cause The Divorce: Children need to understand that Mom
and Dad’s decision to divorce has nothing to do with them. It is not the
result of anything they did or didn’t do. It’s not about them, it’s
about the two of you.
6. They Can’t Stop The Divorce: Sometimes children, especially younger
children, harbor a reconciliation fantasy in which their actions lead
Mom and Dad to get back together. You need to help them understand that
your divorce is not something they have power over.
7. Identify Their Emotions and Concerns: Talk with your children,
together if possible, about their emotions and concerns regarding your
divorce. Try to make if feel safe and o.k. for them to talk about their
feelings, which may be sad, angry or confusing. Make sure to be ready to
listen when they are ready to talk about it. Stay tuned in, stay
accessible to them.
8. It’s Not What You Say, It’s What You Do: Children are usually smarter
than we give them credit for. They sometimes listen to what we say, but
usually pay closer attention to what we do. If they see Mom and Dad
acting civilly towards each other, speaking about each other in
positive, respectful ways, and willing to be flexible, compromising and
communicative with each, they will feel less insecure about the divorce
mediation process. As grown ups, this ball is in our court.
9. Get Them Appropriate Help: A world of resource exists out there to
assist children (and parents) with the emotions and processes of
divorce. These include school-based counselors, child counselors,
support groups, internet-based resources and the like. If you are to
err, err on the side of having your child take advantage of these
resources.
10. Keep Things In Perspective: Millions upon millions of Americans
living today are the product of divorces during their childhood. Perhaps
you were one of them. The vast majority of them get through their
parents’ divorces without long-term ill effect. The odds of this good
that your children will do so as well. The fact that you and your spouse
have chosen divorce mediation over divorce litigation, and have thus
chosen to make your divorce process faster, more cooperative and less
acrimonious, substantially improves these odds.
This and other helpful information relating to divorce mediation may be
found at www.smarterdivorce.com, home of Divorce Mediation of New
Jersey, LLC.
Copyright © 2005 David C. Barry. All rights reserved.
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TEN COMMON SENSE
TIPS FOR KEEPING YOUR SANITY WHILE MEDIATING YOUR DIVORCE
By David C. Barry Esq.
www.smarterdivorce.com
Divorce mediation is, for most couples, a superior alternative to
divorce litigation. While it is a far less stressful process than
typical divorce litigation, it is not a stress- free process. Here are
some common sense steps you and your spouse can take to help minimize
that stress while you are mediating your divorce:
1. Agree on How, When and Where to Disagree: It would be strange for a
happily married couple not to have disagreements on at least an
occasional basis, much less a divorcing couple. Couples that are
divorcing, however, often have communication problems, making it
difficult for one or both of them to express their point of view in a
clear and constructive manner. If this is true in your marriage,
consider adopting some ground rules for when, where and how you will
have your disagreements.
There are many examples of such ground rules. Agree that when it is
clear that your disagreement is becoming heated that you will simply
stop, and that it will be raised with your mediator (or therapist or
clergy member or other third party you agree upon). Agree that neither
one of you will raise your voice or shout, and that if you do, the other
will stop the discussion.
2. Give Each Other Space: Each of you will need your own space in which
to feel safe and to have some privacy. You should try to agree on each
of you having such a private room in your house or apartment, and agree
that neither of you will enter the other’s room without specific
permission. Respecting the other’s space and solitude will lead to their
respect for your space and solitude. It is a good way to promote
healing.
3. Respect Each Other’s Privacy: Don’t open each other’s mail. Don’t pry
into each other’s e-mail, computer files or internet history. Don’t
follow one another. Don’t try to monitor the other’s comings and goings,
communications with friends or dating. The best way to make sure that
you enjoy the opportunity to create new friends, new relationships and a
new lifestyle while you are getting divorced is to respect your spouses’
right to do so.
4. Respect Your Children and Other Loved Ones: One of the advantages of
divorce mediation over divorce litigation is that it can spare children
and other loved ones from being caught in the “cross-fire” of
litigation. Don’t squander that great advantage! Agree at the outset
that the children will not be the messengers between you. Agree at the
outset that you won’t argue in front of them. Agree at the outset that
you won’t do anything or say anything that will make them feel the need
to “choose sides” or qualify their love for either of you. To the
contrary, agree with each other on the steps you will take to make sure
the children know that you each still love them; that you will each
still be their parents and that while the two of you will no longer be
married, that the two of you will always be their family.
5. Don’t “Let the Games Begin”: Sooner or later, you or your spouse will
be tempted to play “games” with one another out of anger, frustration or
just plain silliness. It is critical that you resist that temptation. If
you don’t, your spouse might start also playing games and the
gamesmanship can quickly escalate from the merely petty to the truly
destructive. What will be lost in the process is time, money, and the
remaining respect and good will you have for each other that is keeping
your divorce from the greater expense, delay and emotional
destructiveness of divorce litigation. In short, by choosing divorce
mediation, you’ve chosen to take the high road. Stay on it. The
alternatives are just not worth it.
6. Don’t “Break The Bank”: Try to compose and agree upon a list of your
assets and debts, so that each of you has an accurate picture of your
finances. (You will need this for your mediation process anyway). Agree
on what bills need to be paid, who will pay them and when. Agree on no
new purchases or expenditures above a certain amount, unless the two of
you agree in advance. Agree that assets will not be moved without prior
agreement. Agree that all financial records will be shared with each
other immediately upon request. Try to agree upon a realistic interim
budget for both of you until your divorce is finalized.
7. Identify and Use Your Emotional and Spiritual Resources: Even under
ideal circumstances, divorce can be an emotionally and spiritually
draining time. Resist the urge to withdraw and to “tough it out on your
own.” Think about your emotional and spiritual support network. Most of
us have them. It can be one or more of the following: your friends that
are good listeners, your trusted family members, your spiritual advisor,
your therapist or physician, etc. The internet is filled with wonderful
resources, including online forums and chat groups for people going
through similar situations as yourself. If you are a person of faith,
this might be a good time to try to reconnect with your faith. If you
have always wanted to try meditation or yoga, this might be a good time
to experiment with it.
8. Stay Calm: Although divorce mediation is usually much faster than
divorce litigation, the process is more like a marathon than a sprint.
You have to pace yourself. Understand the process takes time. In time,
you and your spouse will come to an agreement that is acceptable to the
two of you. This perspective will help you resist the urge to counter
every one of your spouses’ thrusts with a parry, every one of their
threats with a counter threat of your own. Stay calm. Keep your eye on
the ball.
9. The “T” Word: Experience has taught me that the single most important
factor that enables a couple to reach agreement and move through the
divorce mediation process quickly is their trust in one another. The
decision to divorce usually deals a great blow to the trust that once
existed between the couple. For the divorce mediation process to work
well, that trust needs to be nurtured, built up or recreated. This
doesn’t happen overnight. It is the result of many little acts, such as
being open and honest about financial records, respecting each other’s
privacy, treating one another with civility, keeping appointments with
each other, etc.
10. Stay Optimistic: During the divorce mediation process, it is easy to
focus only on the negative aspects of divorce and the challenges it
involves. Don’t lose sight of the positive aspects. These include the
opportunity to begin a new life, to pursue new interests, grow in new
directions, begin new relationships – in short, to create a new, better
you. Begin to plan that life now. Remember that, if you choose it, the
best of life can still lie ahead of you.
This and other helpful information relating to divorce mediation may be
found at www.smarterdivorce.com, home of Divorce Mediation of New
Jersey, LLC.
Copyright © 2005 David C. Barry. All rights reserved.
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